What Month Is It?

(This happened on the morning of December 1st, 2020)

I went downstairs to put some paintings in storage for Christmas gifts.

Said, “Hi” to the Husband, working in his office.

He very seriously stated, while looking at the calendar on the wall, “Today is the first day of September.”

I stared at him for a second.

Was he messing with me?  Or did he wishfully think we had more time in this year 2020?  

I tried not to laugh and asked, “September?”

He suddenly realized what he’d said and shook his head.

“December! Don’t tell anyone!”  

But I was already off to the computer, laughing.

When funnies happen on a snowy, cold day, one must share, mustn’t one?

An Act of Doofuscity

Doo-fús-ci-ty: having the behavior of a doofus

Dóo-fus: idiotic, stumbling, brain-dead person who is actually capable of being what most folks deem normal

Turned the oven up to 4500 for baking homemade

pizza and worked to prepare the Chēbē’s gluten free

dough but five minutes into it detected the strangest

odor wafting through the kitchen rather like burning

plastic cooking meat and then it hit the cranial

orb to look inside the oven discovering a store bought

package of pork chops melting into itself merging

plastic wrap Styrofoam bottom two pork chop slabs

all curling up on the top rack because a couple days

before I had placed the package there to thaw out and

forgot about since at the last minute we changed our

minds to go out and eat fast food instead…doofuscity


The Preacher’s New Clothes


“I forgot my suit!” my Husband abruptly exclaimed, startling me, while we closed in on the southern outskirts of Kansas City, after driving for about five hours from the other side of Kansas. “See that white car?” he pointed through the windshield, “Clothes hanging down the window in the back seat?”

Obligingly, my eyes scrutinized the white car.

Husband asked, “Do you see my suit hanging in our back seat?”

I twisted my head around, inspecting. “No.”

Immediately, a thousand thoughts thrashed through my mind, like: we’re too far away to go back home; what will Husband wear for his important job interview; where can we find a big and tall shop with dress clothes in stock that actually fit; does Niagara Falls freeze over in April…then, I remembered what I said at home this morning, before leaving the house—“If we forget anything, we can stop at a store and buy it.”

I started laughing, while Husband looked devastated.

I explained, “Sweetie, think about it! This would be a great start for a sitcom episode. We never, ever, forget anything more important than toothpaste! But, this one special time, with you having a preaching job interview, with two days of travel ahead, way out in West Virginia, you don’t just forget something insignificant like your pajamas or underwear; you forget—tadaaa!–your best job interview clothes!”

He nervously laughed, too, a little.

After bandying about a desperate, what-do-we-do-now conversation, Husband had the bright idea of calling one of my friends (who is always internet ready), and have her Google for a big and tall shop along our route. When my friend heard the news, she properly sniggered and made goofy Emperor’s-New-Clothes remarks, and wanted photos of him preaching in his pajamas; but finally, she directed us to DXL in Lenexa, which (what a relief) is the first store we’ve ever been to that not only had everything, but had everything that fit perfectly! Now, I traveled with the best dressed preacher-candidate in America.

I had a suspicious niggle in my mind, though—maybe, just maybe, Husband had been wanting a new outfit, and subconsciously he……nah…

This took place on the evening of April 24, 2014, before closing time.