Not “As Usual” Now

(I edited this from my sister’s writing on April 27th. She’s had a full month)

I watch my older family members buckle with age while

life goes on as usual for everyone else

My father weeps over my mother’s decline and he asks, “What will happen today?” while

life goes on as usual for everyone else

My aunt clings to my uncle’s hand as deadly toxins build in her blood while

life goes on as usual for everyone else

I watch my grandmother, bedridden with dementia and kidney failure while

life goes on as usual for everyone else.

Jesus understands this grief, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow, stay here and keep watch with Me,” but

life went on as usual for everyone else

My neighbors, friends and family have all faced the sorrow of losing loved ones and

life went on as usual for everyone else (sadly, including me)

I understand this, I know I’m not the only one who has ever experienced a lonely vigil and saying good-bye

But my grief still makes me feel alone, unique, and definitely not as usual

The Giant Passed

About midnight, under wet clouds, whump thunk sounds muffled their way through open windows. The Husband got up to peer out the back, searching for who invaded our night space, and after some time he said, “I think that old barn isn’t there anymore!”

I got up to peer out and couldn’t see the usual huge latticed silhouette of a hay storage barn, but maybe it was due to the really dark skies in that direction. So, back to bed.

The drizzly morning revealed the pitiful sight of a collapsed-within-itself-hay-barn, like a massive crashed Zeppelin air ship, unburned, or similar to a wall-less three ring circus tent. A sad picture of the fall of something that was once needed, once served a purpose, but a continued unconcern had left it to decay and crumple alone in the dark.

2015JunAGiantPassed1a1a

Recycled or Trash

 

on April Fool’s Day my sister called with a really bad joke

said Dad has liver cancer

my sister cried, though, so it’s no joke

six to twelve months predicted regardless of what they do

while leaving the hospital

Dad saw two bins standing together

one for recyclable trash and one for trash trash

he said, “Next week I’ll know if I end up in the recycled or the trash”

and he laughed

my sister choked, but forced herself to laugh with him

with a Dad who thrives on being kind to our Mom and to everyone else

well, I guess God gave time to get his house in order

to accomplish a want to do list

and I have time to relish every remaining second and to say goodbye

but it’s excruciating losing a beloved, faithful, kind friend

besides Mom and my sister, the only “long-term” friend I’ve ever had